The Absolute Cost of Nothing

I’d only been in the house for a few weeks, and knew the neighbor next door had a propensity to sweat the small stuff.  The shared lane-way couldn't be blocked for even a couple of minutes for one of my kids to be dropped off, and the swing I put in the yard was an issue because it attracted visiting children.  It wasn't until I was working at my desk in the dining room and heard shrieking coming from the front of the house that I knew there may be trouble in my little green-sided paradise.  

The tween son of my neighbor had come home, and for all I could see, had the audacity to open his own door.  As he fumbled to put the key in the lock to get away from the tirade, he was barraged with a volley of abuse, apparently for no reason.  As the weeks turned to months I understood that he couldn't play in front of his own house, nor could we, and that it would be better if my kids played in the yard of the retired woman across the street.  I came to understand that although she had only moved in a couple of years previous, she had alienated everyone on the street.

I also recognized that neither the City nor the Police would do anything to prevent the abuse, and indeed that they are instruments of the abuse, responding to a litany of calls over minuscule offences of little or no consequence.  Similarly, facilities personnel are called over and over to correct tiny wrongs, or provide services exclusive to complainers.  We, along with our neighbors, and many other people in this complaints-based system, are the victims of a bully.  

The Serial-Bully as defined by Bully OnLine is someone with a manipulative nature, who is able to use others in order to exercise an immature sense of control on those around them.  Maintaining a sense a superiority, they think of themselves as good people doing the right thing.  The hostility is masked with a feigned sense of being a victim, while their purpose is anything but noble.  Like any other bully they deny any responsibility for their actions, and seldom even recognize that what they do is bullying.

Sure there are rotten neighbors, with their barking dogs, weeknight partying, speeding cars with no muffler, or meth-cooking labs.   We all hope that if this ever happens to us, that the right laws and enforcers will be there to help us out.  Sure, the plumber wading in doo-doo in my basement wasn't parked the full metre required from the end of the driveway to the bumper.  So what?   It would be nice if the city cleared the snow from every single drain in the city when the snow melts.  Sure, the water at the end of the driveway builds up a couple of times a year.  So what?  These things are inconsequential, and most people have the maturity to understand that it’s not important enough for the taxpayer to bear the brunt.  

So what happens when regulations intended for us to get along are used to exert a death of a thousand cuts on good people?  What happens when services are called out for numerous petty reasons?  Sadly, no one knows.  There has never been a study in Canada that estimates the cost to the taxpayer of “inconsequential calls” on Municipal services such as Police, By-law, and Municipal Services.  By inconsequential calls I mean this: calls for which there is no health and safety or suspicion of criminal activity that a reasonable person would consider meets the threshold for requesting services.  

Because governments, however small, are adverse to risk, any call is deemed to deserve action.  What if something happened?  This attitude comes from leaner times, where the cost of going out was seen to be worth it.  Having seen, close up, the exorbitant cost of pandering to the bully, I realise it’s time to start measuring the cost of inconsequential calls.  As they say, “What gets measured, gets managed.”  Knowing the true cost, the risk could then be managed.  Defining such calls within the regulatory paradigm, keeping a database of offenders, levying fines for abusing the system, and ultimately prioritizing Municipal spending to cut the waste is responsible risk management.  

And what of our rights to the enjoyment of our own property?  Some say it’s possible in Ontario to sue for compensation in small claims court, although my research leads me to think that these kinds of claims are more successful in the U.S., where the right to use and enjoy one’s own property is constitutionally entrenched.

Meanwhile, the boy in question is a fine grown man, and my neighbors and I will continue to keep a log, keep a cool head, and hope the neighbor from hell moves along to harass someone else.  Still, the bigger question is, couldn’t all that money and effort be put to better use?

Believe. Persist. Achieve.

I'm getting stronger. I can feel it. I have an ass. And it feels great. Not my ass, getting fit, I mean. Although maybe my ass feels great too. You'll have to ask it yourself.

Cycling to work every day is amazing. The ducks along the canal, the cool, crisp air pumping into my lungs. I get to work feeling like a million bucks: smarter, leaner, faster. The question is, how to keep up the momentum?

I am (almost) a reformed gymophobe. My one-time blog "HELP, My Building Has a Gym", was a response to my Physiotherapists question about what kind of equipment was in the gym at work. It was my humorous way of letting her know there was more to it than just the back problem. She laughed along at the joke, and shared the blog with other people in the field - and took me to the gym, bless her heart.

But then, I couldn't do it. The gym was full of all those gymy people. Them. Not US. Until I met Alison. Her infectious enthusiasm, warmth, caring, and just plain common sense, got me into sneakers and into the gym. She showed me that I could exercise INDOORS. I had an epiphany. I could do this.

Then I met Marshall, with his gentle kind face and bulging biceps. I met him when I went over to help out with a painting party at the gym he was opening here in my community. I talked about beauty and painting, and how I thought that I could get to some answers by painting about it - and he talked to me about GYM. And somehow, after a few weeks of thinking about it, I could email him. He's going to work with me.

So what I've started with my bike to work, and a few classes at the work gym, will continue ... and I will heal my back and discover the meaning of beauty all at once.

Thanks Heather, and Alison, and Marshall. Thanks Dr. Kingwell, the surgeon who read me the riot act. Thank you to Lyrica and Celebrex for giving me a leg up so that I could start getting fit without mind bending pain.

Beleive. Persist. Achieve. It's Marshall's mantra. I'll try it out. I'll believe. I can do this. I've been fit before, and I can do it again. Persist. I can keep up the momentum, and keep feeding on the feel-goodness of it all. Less pain is a good thing, right? Achieve. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

The Bachelor

Quick. Somebody. Get me a barfbag.

2009 Drivel Awards - last day for submissions

OK actually yesterday was the last day for submissions.

That being said, the selection committee understands that Drivel Induced
Coma (DIC) is indeed one of the hazards of entering the contest, and
thus, accepts that you may have been (as one of the contestants found
when he woke up on the floor this morning after several hours in an
inexplicable coma) unable to press the send button on your submission
for several hours thereby delaying your submission.

The Drivel Awards selection committee employs the liberal use of
caffeine and chocolate in the attempt to mitigate some of the effects of
(DIC), and these are not considered performance enhancing drugs, but
simply necessary measures given the circumstances.

We wish you luck in your submission, and thank you for the neurological
risks you have taken to make this competition possible.

Selina Gasolina
2009 Drivel Awards Coordinator

Mom is on strike

List of Demands:

No litter in the house.
No clothing or other debris on the floor.
Dirty dishes go in the dishwasher.
No outdoor clothing strewn on the furniture.
No using the dining table as a dump.
When the garbage is full, take it out.
When asked, do the task.
Put the laptop back and plug it in.

Until all demands are met:

No cleaning, cooking or laundry services.
No taxi services.
No shopping services.
No, just plain no.

2009 Drivel Awards

Fellow Drivelites:

As 2009 comes to an end, so does another year of Drivel. As usual, we
are looking for the best of the worst, and our good friend Keane will (I
hope) provide his usual brilliant translation.

So, please send me your best (worst)! Employ your co-creative essence
and fully engage in a movement that is elementally productionising a
unification of driviality!

I don't look forward to reading your submissions at all, but, "no pain,
no gain" as they say. Deadline for submissions is January 30, 2010.

Selina Gasolina (Selina@rogers.com)
2009 Drivel Award Coordinator

For Newbs - the Drivel Awards is a long-standing joke amongst the jolly
"PSI <http://www.psi-spi.com/> " gang, clearly comprised of people with
too much time on their hands. It began when Hubert and I did a contract
for CIDA, and I started gathering examples of painful prose. Hence,
this became an annual game.

The 2008 Drivel Award Winner was the "Lightworker Spiritual Network" for
this long and completely meaningless tripe:

When we unite our focused intent and higher emotions we can together
become a powerful catalyst for elevating the collective consciousness of
our world. We unite Lightworkers from all around the world and become
one in mind, heart and spirit. Lightworkers is a platform where
Lightworkers can connect in an environment that is tolerant and loving.

When we connect together in a unified thought we express our collective
co-creative essence and allow the process of ascension to unfold for all
life. As a Lightworker we simply mean a person who is co-creating a
peaceful and loving world, and there are a many of us!. We know you will
feel at home here and understand that you are a part of a world wide
movement that is co-creating an alternative way of life for humanity and
our loving world that we share. Lightworkers, we honor you. For we are
ONE!

Keane's translation:

"We think we can change the world just by thinking about it real hard,
spouting confused serial synonyms for "unity", and sucking you into our
resulting mental vacuum. Lightworkers is a noun so totally plastic, we
hesitate to call it proper. It means whatever we want it to at the
moment. Which is nice, because we think being unclear about basic
grammatical constructions makes us sound cosmic. We're uncritical
thinkers seeking airheads... if you want to be One, come on down! You'll
love us, we'll love you - and other deep, Barney the Dinosaur-ish
sentiments. "

2008 Runner Up was from the Pseudoscience category from "DNA
Perfection":

But one does not have to wait for science to catch up with a rapidly
evolving humanity in order to begin advancing the functions of their
DNA. Through the processes of bioregenesis, we are removing ancient
blockages within the human anatomy that have been blocking natural DNA
activation, and then we are restoring the Original Organic Imprint for
Health, that is the birthright of our species. We are progressively
reordering portions of the "junk DNA" and stimulating portions of the
DNA into activation.

As translated by Dolores:

If you drive around on Garbage Day, perhaps you can scavange
unstimulated junk DNA. Surely, there are a few airheads of your
acquaintance for whom you would like to assemble brains.

Previous years' winners have been NGOs, Government Agencies, and
Corporations.

With friends like this...

Last night, one of my best friends and I were sitting in my living room
and
I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.

Double your size?

I got this email telling me I could double my size in just two weeks.
That would make me 11 feet 4 inches. I think my boyfriend wouldn't like
that.

Debt Clock

Check out this handy item from the Canadian Taxpayers Association that
shows our daily mounting debt. Our legacy will be to expect our kids to
pay for services they never asked for. In two years, the Harper
government will wipe out the debt repayment of the previous 8 years.
Scary movies kiddies.

www.debtclock.ca

James von Brunn - he denied the holocaust, we can't deny the hate

It's easy to forget that hate is real. That people like James von Brunn
can deny the horrible things that were done to Jews and others during
WWII. His shooting at the Holocaust Museum this week reminds us that
there is still much to be done to make sure that toxic ideas are not
spread in our communities, nor to our children. Reading this brought
tears to my eyes. It is a glimpse into a troubled and bitter soul that
you will not forget soon.

http://www.arsenalofhypocrisy.com/blog/?p=463

We mustn't deny that this kind of hate is alive and working it's caustic
effect on the minds of naive, misguided people. We must be vigilant to
educate our children about the holocaust, and other dark times in human
history, so that they can make informed, clear decisions about their own
principles and values. The hatemongers would teach them what to think;
we must teach them how to think for themselves. If we can learn from our
history, then the victims of genicide will not have died in vane.

Tori's Law

You may wish to sign the following petition for Tori's Law, which will
change the criteria that the police use to issue an Amber Alert. As you
may know, an Amber Alert was never issued when Tori Stafford went
missing, because the case did not meet the current criteria.

http://www.petitiononline.com/vict888/petition.html

GM Closing dealerships

Boohoo. As if I care. As if anyone cares.

Let's face it. We ALL hate car salesmen. We hate the stupid cat and
mouse game we have to play at the dealership in order to buy a car. We
hate that some people pay more than other people. We hate having to
call up Uncle Earnest, former linebacker turned teamster, to go and hold
our hand while we try not to get hosed by some slimeball in a suit. We
just want to buy a car.

You can go on line and pick the features and all the things you want,
and you get a price at the end. But if you want to test drive the car,
or ask any questions about it, you're back at the showroom, dealing with
some idiot who listens to motivational tapes on his way to work every
day, and whose socially vacuous, morally bankrupt, greed driven little
brain is now suddenly what's standing between you and the car you want
to buy. This is their marketing plan? Please. No wonder it's tough to
sell a new car these days.

The only reedeeming feature of the dealership is the service department.
Maybe. That's it.

So, why can't I just go to a place that has some cars that I can try,
then go online and pick the colour and the radio and stuff. Then go to
the Service centre to pick it up and do the paperwork. Then go back to
the service centre to get it serviced. No "dealers". No "salesmen".
No dickering the price like you're buying a trinket at a fleamarket. A
slimeball free experience. One price for everyone.

Open service centres dedicated to actual service. "Good Afternoon,
M'am". Which car would you like to try? Our price calculator is
available here at www..... Do you have any questions? You're here to
pick up your car? Sign here. Here are your keys to your new car!

GM: if you want my business, close ALL the dealerships. Fire ALL the
salesmen.

Don't forget the rules!

Thank you, oh great and considerate next door neighbor, for always doing
what is right. We can count on you to do the right thing, 24/7.
Because that's what you do best.

Take this morning for example. Since the drain from my upstairs
plumbing was blocked hopelessly, and I couldn't seem to unblock it with
chemical warfare, plunging or snaking, I needed the cheerful help of the
experts. Darren Binns from Regional Drain Service sent a nice guy over
to deal with my problem. Since I was exhausted from staying up late
cleaning up the poo-poo water that had poured from the toilet, flooding
the bathroom and hallway upstairs while my daughter showered, raining
poo-poo water into my basement, I forgot the rules of the road. Silly
me. When the plumbing guy parked his van with the bumper a few inches
over the line, not blocking the SHARED LANEWAY from use or anything, but
breaking the rule about how close you can park to a driveway, I didn't
notice. Since this was really the only spot near my house, and the
plumber had some heavy tools to carry in, he can be forgiven for not
following the rules exactly. After all, his priority is the plumbing.

Luckily, the neighbor was on it right away, and phoned the by-law
department to deal with this important infringement. What if a Hydro
crew had needed to get an oversized crane between the houses to replace
a pole or something, and the plumbers van was parked too close to the
driveway's edge? I'm so glad she noticed this while she was on her way
to catch the bus to work. She wasn't even inconvenienced herself in any
way, and yet had the good sense to make sure that the rules were
followed to the letter. Such a responsible neighbor.

When the by-law officer arrived, it only took a few minutes to convince
him that issuing a ticket would be taking it too far, and another
neighbor offered to let the plumber park in his laneway, since he could
just knock on my door if he needed to get his car out.

It's so important that we all follow the rules to the letter all the
time. So if your neighbors are greiving a death in the family, having a
crisis with the house, or are ill, and forget an important by-law, like
keeping the cat's registration tag up to date, parking within 8 inches
from the curb, or removing noxious weeds from the property, we should
all remember that a quick call to by-law will make sure that those
important rules are never overlooked.

Meaningless Drivel Award 2008

OK, I know this is late coming. So much drivel, so little time. You
know.

After thoughtful review, I decided I'd picked on Government and NGO's
long enough. It's time to target New Age Drivel. So....

The winner of the 2008 Meaningless Drivel Award goes to
(((((((((((((((((drum roll)))))))))))))))))))

The Lightworker Spiritual Network for this long and completely
meaningless paragraph:

When we unite our focused intent and higher emotions we can together
become a powerful catalyst for elevating the collective consciousness of
our world. We unite Lightworkers from all around the world and become
one in mind, heart and spirit. Lightworkers is a platform where
Lightworkers can connect in an environment that is tolerant and loving.
When we connect together in a unified thought we express our collective
co-creative essence and allow the process of ascension to unfold for all
life. As a Lightworker we simply mean a person who is co-creating a
peaceful and loving world, and there are a many of us!. We know you will
feel at home here and understand that you are a part of a world wide
movement that is co-creating an alternative way of life for humanity and
our loving world that we share. Lightworkers, we honor you. For we are
ONE!
One what, you might ask? No one knows. Don't ask.

Chia Obama

I'm not even kidding. Buy it here.

www.chia.com

Waiting for GodOCTranspo

VLADIMIR:
There's no good harking back on that. Come on.
He draws him after him. As before.
ESTRAGON:
Wait!
VLADIMIR:
I'm cold!
ESTRAGON:
Wait! (He moves away from Vladimir.) I sometimes wonder if we
wouldn't have been better off alone, each one for himself. (He crosses
the stage and sits down on the mound.) We weren't made for the same
road.
VLADIMIR:
(without anger). It's not certain.
ESTRAGON:
No, nothing is certain.
Vladimir slowly crosses the stage and sits down beside Estragon.
#
VLADIMIR:
We can still part, if you think it would be better.
ESTRAGON:
It's not worthwhile now.
Silence.
VLADIMIR:
No, it's not worthwhile now.
Silence.
ESTRAGON:
Well, shall we go?
VLADIMIR:
Yes, let's go.
They do not move.

Curtain.

Go Wendy - you speak for me

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of
running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite
feature has to be your revoluti onary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the
only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads
be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month

knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type,
I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.
Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly
with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'.
Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me

to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of
cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my
uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the
adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing
happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak , there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

October 17, World Day to Overcome Extreme Poverty

http://www.oct17.org/tem.php?id_rubrique=343&id_secteur_virtuel=210&lang
=en&annee=2008#creer

If we all choose a simple life of the good things: family, music,
gardening, neighbors, laughter, healthy local food, fresh air and
sunshine - those choices will lead to a better life for our neighbors to
the south. Vote with your wallet and your two feet. Vote to live well
so others can too.

Open Stage - Carleton Tavern

Dean Verger (Rasputin's) is resurrecting the Open Stage at the Carleton
Tavern.

Carleton Tavern
Fourth Thursday of every month
7 pm - Starting October 23.
Yay!

and for Texas tykes there's...

Bullet Proof Baby Stroller!?!

Hard to believe this one
<http://www.bulletproofbaby.net/product_page_stoller.html> is for real.

"My baby survived a freak hunting accident last fall
thanks to this amazing bullet proof stroller.. We all feared the worst
but my darling Trevor was unharmed. Highly recommended!"

Stacey Weaver, Texas

Gee, Stacey - maybe babies and guns don't mix? Or is Texas so gun crazy
on the right to arm bears that it extends to Trevor's Teddies?

I was thinking maybe the neighbour's toddler would like to join us out
in the bush this fall to help bag a deer for the freezer. So much for
that plan; the bullet proof stroller is SOLD OUT.